Thursday, July 31, 2008

On Letting Go

Letting go can be hard for some people. Very hard for others. When you let something go, or even contemplate letting something go, there is sometimes this feeling of panic. "What if I never, ever, ever find a vase/dress/house/potential mate like this again?" Some people have a hard time letting go of objects which have sentimental value. Other people have trouble letting go of people in their lives, even relationships which no longer serve them or are toxic.

For me, the hardest thing to let go is my idea of how something should be. Even if the truth is staring me plainly in the face, yelling "Yoo-hoo! I'm right here~Pay attention to me." I will sometimes keep going right along doing the same thing I've always done and wondering why things are the way they are.

It reminds me of that saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

Working for myself has been eye opening on many levels. One thing I noticed is that I'm a boring boss! What I hated about previous jobs were being micromanaged, feeling chained to my desk, and feeling that I didn't have any freedom to come and go as I pleased. Looking at the way I've been working over the past few months has made me take a step back. Yes, I do have the freedom to come and go as I please, but I haven't been doing it very much. Instead I've been sitting at the same desk, in my same office, in front of the same wall and window everyday. I type, I write, I do transcription, I invoice, I make phone calls, I fill out deposit slips and pay bills all at this desk. Why? Because I feel guilty. "Real self-employed people don't fritter away work hours doing frivolous things. Real writers sweat blood to write good articles. Real bosses put their noses to the grindstone and work hard, even when they don't feel like it."

Well, I've been trying this method, and I have to say, it sucks. Not only that but it's making me very unhappy. I have even started dreading work (again).

So, no more. This week I have made some small changes and I'm going to keep making changes until things feel right, feel better and more natural to me. I have let go of a small medical transcription account that I've been doing for about a year to free up more time and energy for what I love to do--write. I am going to take more time to research new work and spend more time working on my fiction which I absolutely love to do. I'm also going to build in some breaks to my day. And yes, if I decide I really need a 15 minute cat nap or a 20 minute yoga break I'm going to take it.

What's the sense of trying to be in control all the time? It's not reality and it's not fun either. My goal now is to learn to just go with the flow.


Peggy Frezon said...

Letting youngest is leaving for college in a matter of weeks, and I'm the mother chick in the empty nest. I'm really going to lean on my husband and friends as I go through this transition. I'm also my own boss and I work from home, and I have to tell you I fritter away way too much time doing non-writerly things! That is a pro and a con.

ChicChick said...

I feel for you, Peggy. An empty nest seems hard to deal with. It's good that you seem to have a plan in place to help you, though!